One eyed tear drops

Nkem, it was not the banger you refused to throw with me. It was the fact that you knew it would make me happy, but you refused anyway.

It was not that you were angry with me that broke me. It was that you would stay in my space and reject me. And treat me like I was vermin. And shove me violently out of your life. While you were in my space. Like you wanted me to feel the rejection.

You knew that if you left, I would not try to bring you back. I would beg. Maybe for a week or two, but I’ll move on. But you stayed. You stayed instead.

Nkem you would fuck me one night and reject me the next day. Like you wanted me to feel worthless. Like I was only good for a few things and nothing more.

You would be with me and block me from viewing your socials. While I could see you.

Nkem. You are always going to be a part of me. A part that will always need healing. A part that is so scarred I body shame myself. A part that is so broken that it can barely stand without the rest part of the body holding it up.

Nkem I hope that when I find someone who doesn’t reject me the way you do, that I do not hurt him. That I do not keep coming back to you.

Nkem do you know that I prayed for amnesia? Because that was the only way I knew to not love you again. Nkem do you know that I wanted to have an accident and forget you existed? Did you know.

Nkem, did you know that you are the reason I am a little insane? Nkem, you should have walked out the door when I begged you to stay. You should have left when you did. I would have moved on

It has been months since then and every time I regret not having the power to let you go then.

Today, Nkem, I am crouched at one corner of the bed letting tears drop out of only one eye because my head is bent to one side as I write this thing that no one would ever read.

Today I am watching you make tea for dinner while you pretend that I am a nonexistent factor in your life.

Tomorrow is Christmas. I will wake up again and kiss your face and cook rice.

We will probably fuck again at night, and by morning you will go back to pretending that I do not exist. To rejecting me while you exist in my space. You would go back to telling me I am nothing with your actions and I will go back to wishing I could just die.