An Ode to the Men I’ve Loved-5

To the man with the Nsibidi inscriptions

Have you ever loved someone so much, and felt their love hit you like a hurricane? Sweeping you off your feet, taking you up in the air, and creating a cushion when you land. Yes, that kind of love. The kind of love that I could reach into the air and touch because it felt tangible. The kind of love that had me holding my heart sometimes and wondering if it was real, it always, always felt too good to be true.

To the one who broke my walls.

Over the course of my life, I had built walls and I did not even realize they were there. He stood at one end of those walls and threw flowers and words of affirmation, and finally, I crushed those walls myself, because more than anything, I wanted to run into the arms of the man at the other side of the walls.

To the one who cared for me.

This one would hold my hands when they shook, smother me with soft kisses, and make me smile. He would put the kettle on and coddle my lazy ass into taking a bath, and when I returned, there would be dinner waiting for me. This one would hear I was sick and would not be at peace until he was near me. This one would google all he could about my medical conditions, so he could be at the top of his game. This one would hold my legs when my ailments attacked them, and he would rub them till I slept. This one… this one took care of me.

To the one who protected me.

This one would square up to five men as tall as he was, and with a voice so deep and filled with rage, and in that accent that hangs between French and Indian, he would say ‘apologize’ to the men who had been nasty to me, and they will. To the one, I would tell I was in a fire, and he would walk into the flames just to get me out, and he would leave his burns and tend to mine. this one the one who fought for me and fought beside me. This the one who protected me. This one I have most of my battle scars with.

To the one who made me lazy.

I would make an attempt to do something and he’d say ‘I’d take care of it’. He was always taking care of things, he never stopped taking care of things. It was a thing.

To the one with the superpowers.

He had a way of doing random things that did not make sense at first, and then I realize how much that thing saved my life. Even when he was not trying, the man was saving the day. Superman without the capes, this one.

To the one who read my mind

I believe we were psychically linked. So bad that we had the same nightmare once and woke up hurting. We did not have to say what the other person needed, we always just knew.

To the one who spoiled me

All the spoiling I did not get from my father, I am proud to say I got spoiled by a man. Utterly pampered.

To the tall man who said the sweetest words

I would receive messages at the office, and they would have the most beautiful words ever. He would weave them so perfectly, they would enter my bloodstreams like a drug, and take me to a place I’d refuse to come down from.

To the one who helped me set a standard

I would never settle for less love than I deserve because you taught me that I could get the love I deserved and more. I have learned from you that I am a gorgeous woman with a body you call ‘gospel’ and a hair you call the branches of a ‘baobab tree’, that I am perfection, that I am beauty, that I am more, and that any man who comes for me had better have game or be gone. You have helped me set a standard.

To the one who was patient.

You are the most patient being I have ever encountered, in all the ways and more.

To the roller coaster

Up, down, hurt, forgive, break, fix. Together always.

To the one, I cried the most for.

I have hurt enough for a lifetime in just a few months. I have held my heart and feared they would rip out. I have looked in the mirror and pep talked myself to sanity. I have had a time when I found solace in sleep because every waking moment came with new pain. I have broken into a million pieces and had myself picking shards of me from every corner of my apartment, hopelessly trying to piece them together. I have wished at some point, that I would wake up with amnesia, and forget that he ever existed. And I have at some point in my life, come to the realization, that I just may never forget him.

To the one who bought a land in my heart.

I will always have a special place for you in my heart, Eternal. Always and forever, you will remain as the man who came into my space and owned it so perfectly, my space looked abnormal without you in it.

You are infinity. Everything. Forever. More. I will always love you.

Gail.